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If communicating with your ex feels impossible, you’re not alone. Whether it’s constant conflict, misunderstandings, or just an emotional rollercoaster, navigating conversations—especially when co-parenting—can be one of the hardest parts of separation.
The good news? You don’t have to like each other to communicate effectively. The goal isn’t to “win” the conversation—it’s to keep things clear, calm, and child-focused.
At the end of the day, you and your ex are no longer partners in a relationship—you are now business partners in raising your children. Just like in any professional setting, good communication is key to making things work smoothly.
So, how do you do that?
Shift Your Mindset: From Emotion to Business
When it comes to co-parenting, the best way to approach communication is to treat it like a business transaction. The emotions of the past don’t belong in today’s conversations about your child’s routine or upcoming school event.
Think of your ex as a co-worker you have to deal with. You don’t have to like them, but you do need to keep it professional and focused.
Try asking yourself:
- Would I say this to a colleague?
- Does this message serve a purpose, or am I reacting emotionally?
- Am I focusing on the issue, or am I making it personal?
Keeping your responses neutral and to the point can prevent unnecessary arguments.
Practical Tips for Better Communication
1. Keep Messages Short and Clear
Long-winded texts full of emotion or accusations will only fuel conflict. Instead, keep it brief and factual.
Instead of:
“You never listen to me! I’ve told you a thousand times to pick up the kids on time, but clearly, you don’t care about their routine.”
Try:
“Pick-up is at 3:30 pm. Please be on time.”
2. Assume Every Message Could Be Used in Court
Any text, email, or message you send to your ex could end up as evidence in an affidavit. If you wouldn’t want a judge reading your message, don’t send it.
Before hitting send, ask yourself:
- Would this message look reasonable if included in an affidavit?
- Does this message focus on the issue, or is it emotional?
- Am I using neutral language?
If in doubt, rephrase or wait before responding.
3. Use the BIFF Method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm)
This is a simple framework for responding to difficult messages:
- Brief – Keep it short.
- Informative – Stick to facts, not feelings.
- Friendly – Be polite, but not overly personal.
- Firm – End the message in a way that discourages further argument.
Example:
Instead of:
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about the parent-teacher meeting! Typical.”
Try:
“I saw there’s a parent-teacher meeting next Thursday. I plan to attend. Let me know if you will be there too.”
4. Stay in Writing Whenever Possible
If communication is high-conflict, avoid phone calls and stick to text, email, or co-parenting apps (more on those below). Written communication:
- Helps you stay calm before responding.
- Creates a record of what was said, which can be helpful if disputes arise.
- Allows you to think before you type—avoiding knee-jerk reactions.
If a phone call is unavoidable, try to keep it focused and time-limited.
5. Tools to Make Communication Easier
There are apps designed specifically for co-parents who struggle to communicate. These tools help keep conversations organised and reduce direct conflict.
- My Family Wizard – Tracks messages, schedules, and expenses while keeping communication structured.
- Talking Parents – A secure messaging platform that creates a clear record of conversations.
- 2houses – Helps with shared calendars, expenses, and messages.
- Our Family Wizard – Another widely used app designed to help with co-parenting logistics.
Using an app can reduce unnecessary back-and-forth and prevent arguments about who said what.
6. Social Media: What Not to Do
What you post online can quickly become a problem in family law disputes. If your matter is ongoing, be mindful that your social media activity could be used in court.
Avoid:
- Posting about your ex – Even vague or passive-aggressive posts can make things worse.
- Sharing personal details about your case – Any mention of legal proceedings, court orders, or parenting disputes could backfire.
- Posting pictures of nights out, alcohol, or anything that could be misinterpreted – Your ex could use these images to argue that you’re irresponsible.
- Making negative comments about parenting arrangements – If you’re unhappy with the situation, vent to a trusted friend in private, not on social media.
A good rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t want a judge seeing your post, don’t post it.
How to Handle Conflict Without Making It Worse
Don’t Take the Bait
Your ex might send messages designed to push your buttons. You don’t have to respond to everything—especially if it’s not about the kids.
Instead of:
“I bet you’re too busy with your new partner to even care about our kids.”
Try: No response.
If a response is necessary, keep it neutral:
“I’m available to discuss parenting matters. Let me know if there’s anything specific related to the kids that you need to discuss.”
Set Boundaries on Communication
If texts are constant and overwhelming, set clear expectations:
- Limit conversations to one platform (e.g., email or an app).
- Only discuss child-related matters—not past relationship issues.
- Set response times (e.g., “I will respond within 24 hours unless it’s urgent”).
If your ex keeps pushing boundaries, stick to your plan and don’t engage in unnecessary back-and-forth.
What If Nothing Works?
If communication is consistently hostile, unproductive, or even abusive, you may need:
- Parallel Parenting – This limits direct communication, with each parent managing their own responsibilities without needing constant interaction.
- Legal Advice – If communication has broken down entirely or your ex is refusing to co-parent effectively, legal options (such as court orders or mediation) may be necessary.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting with a high-conflict ex is tough, but small changes in communication can make a big difference.
- Keep it brief, factual, and neutral.
- Use co-parenting apps to track conversations.
- Don’t engage in arguments—respond only when necessary.
- Set clear boundaries on when and how you communicate.
- Be mindful of what you put in writing and on social media—it may be used in court.
You and your ex are no longer in a relationship—you are in the business of raising your children together. The more structured and professional your communication is, the better it will be for your children.
If you’re struggling to manage co-parenting communication or need legal guidance, Brisbane Family Law Centre can help. We provide practical advice to help parents navigate high-conflict situations while keeping the focus on what matters most—their children.
